Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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