Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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