Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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