The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
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I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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