the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
