who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
