My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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