oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
