I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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