dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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