dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
