Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
