So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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