I wish I could teleport
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
