Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
