i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My bed is full of blood and feathers
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
