Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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