Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
