Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
