she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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