My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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