I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
