I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
