Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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