I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
