awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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