you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
