god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
