A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
