My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
