i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
