I'm sorry my penis didn't work
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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