Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
