i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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