I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
