Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
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but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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