i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
