my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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