I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I would fuck him just for his dog
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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