I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
