So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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