I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
two words: eviction party
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
