he shaved USA in his pubs
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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