Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
