his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
