took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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