I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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