dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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