I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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