wanna go halves on a baby?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
