You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
