Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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