When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
