I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
