Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
