Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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