Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
