She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
