can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
