Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
