i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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